"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Saturday, February 27, 2010

The view from my shopping cart

Since Keith and I began trying to have a baby, it amazes me what some of my well-meaning friends say. Don't get me wrong....I love them all. And every word that's said to me I realize is said in love. I know infertility is something not often discussed in casual conversation, and when people are faced with the subject, most don't know what to say or are scared to death they will say the wrong thing. It has taken me some time, but I like to think I've developed an ability to hear their words not only with my ears, but also with my heart. People truly mean well.

Sometimes someone will say "Enjoy it, because when you have a baby, that will end." This is usually said during a conversation about me sleeping in on a Saturday, taking naps, going on a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip with Keith, my quiet morning coffee, etc. I can't help but wonder......will all of that really end? I am ready for my life to change, as I'm also told will happen once we have a baby. I would be willing to sacrifice all of my simple pleasures for my bundle of love, joy, affection, and wet diapers. And I'm sure all mothers who read this will say "yeah right" to my next statement, but I don't believe I will have to sacrifice much of anything except maybe a few nights of sleep. Life will continue. And the coffee will too. A baby will only make the simple pleasures of my life even more enjoyable.

I was thinking about all of this last night while I was grocery shopping in Wal-Mart. As I've mentioned before, Wal-Mart is a prime location to baby-watch. Last night was no exception. I couldn't help but notice how inconvenienced the majority of women with children seemed while shopping. Some of them probably speak in a more kind and gentle tone to strangers than their own children. I believe that if anything good at all possibly comes from my infertility, it will be that I will always think before opening my mouth to speak to my child. May the Lord always guide my tongue and emotions before I say something that will ever make him or her think they are not the most precious gift I've ever received. I know being a Mom has to be a stressful and tiring job. But it is a God-given position. A priceless gift. A gift some of us so desperately desire. A gift one should cherish each and everyday, no matter how much sleep you had the night before or how many dirty dishes are stacked in the sink. I wish some Moms would have this knowledge. This perspective. I wish they could see the view from where I stand.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Business Trip

I'm away from home tonight hanging at the Holiday Inn Express in a terribly lonely hotel room in Longview, Texas. Three co-workers and myself are here to do some research and work on one of the Murphy USA locations.

American Idol is on, and I believe this sets the record for the worst season so far. It's excruciating to watch. Poor Ellen seems so out of her element and uncomfortable. I think she'd rather be chewing on nails somewhere than having to judge these kids.

We made it to a snowy Longview this evening around 5:30, and we were starving. Just like on most business trips I've been on, no one in the vehicle knew where any good places to eat were, so we just headed out from our hotel hoping for the best. We came upon an oddly shaped brick building on the left called Johnny Cace's Steak and Seafood. I never have much confidence in these types of local establishments, but I wasn't driving; plus my stomach was starting to eat thru my backbone. We walked inside to find the 70's threw up in there. The walls were pink. The booths and chairs were radiant red. There were muted murals on the wall. I have no words to describe the ladies room. Despite the aged decor, it turned out to be a lovely dining experience. I ordered fish and shrimp. But, the star of the show was the dessert: Bourbon Chocolate Pecan Pie. The restaurant makes all of their pies in house, and boy....that piece of pie was tasty. The most intriguing part of the whole meal was the relish tray that was brought out before our meal....a four-sectioned silver plated tray which held individual plastic cups of sweet pickles, pickled okra, a corn relish, and a cheese spread which tasted like Cheez Whiz. In the center of the tray was a blue label declaring the name "JANET" which had been printed from one of those label maker machines like Elaine re-gifted on Seinfeld. It isn't everyday you see this type of thing, and I regret not taking a picture of it now. It made me smile.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I am not alone.

Keith and I are in the midst of a storm.....but we know the clouds will soon part, and the best is yet to come.

There are so many of women like me out there. I realize this more after catching up on several blogs this weekend. I know I shouldn't minimize the pain of my infertility, failed IVF, and the deep desire to have a baby of my own. But after reading some of the blogs I've read this weekend, I realize that my sadness and struggle is nothing compared to what other brave and sweet women are going through.

I was briefly pregnant once in 2001....only pregnant long enough to know something was wrong. This is when my problems began. It was ectopic. I had surgery. I lost a fallopian tube. I never carried my baby. I never felt it kick. But, I was very much pregnant, and for a moment, I was very much a mother. That day in July nine years ago forever changed my future. I suffered a great loss that day and took on a whole new self-identity.....the infertile woman.

At the risk of sounding harsh, I must say.....if I was meant to lose my baby, I am thankful I lost it that way. The Lord saved me from much grief. I grieved greatly over losing the baby and part of myself. But, when I think of how hard it would've been if I had spent months preparing for a baby and then lose it.....I truly don't know if I am that strong. So many women suffer unimaginable pain. My mind can't comprehend giving birth to a baby that isn't alive. My mind can't comprehend waking up one morning after weeks of feeling a baby move inside, then suddenly not feeling anything. My mind can't comprehend why God in Heaven allows such things to happen to some women.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has ever suffered the loss of a baby or pregnancy. It is not an easy road we travel.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


Perhaps I've just never noticed as much. But perhaps they're just following me. Children and babies are everywhere. All shapes. All sizes. At the table in front of me at the restaurant...not just behind me or beside me, but in my direct line of vision. In the shopping cart in front of me in line at Walmart. In the car beside me at the red light. Even at my beauty shop. The one place I want to relax and think about nothing except me and my hair. And another riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. As I slowly drive by, he stops, smiles, and waves at me. Babies. Little girls. Little boys. Babies, women with babies, couples with babies, multiple babies, and more and more babies. Strollers and carseats and babies!!! If it's not babies, then it pregnant women.....women who are pregnant WITH BABIES! Constant reminders. Oh my God, can't I just get away from it just for a moment?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It has been a few days since my last post. I've thought about writing but haven't had much to say. Keith has been working strange hours the past few days, and I've been spending alot of time at Mom's.

Keith's crazy work schedule has forced us to take a break from the baby discussions. I'm thankful for a break, in a way, but at the same time, I need resolution. I feel somewhat out of sorts not knowing what our next step will be. The uncertainty is incredibly overwhelming. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I wouldn't say I'm my normal self either. I'm somewhere in between.

I made an appointment today to have my hair done this Friday. I'm thinking of getting a new cut. I'm indecisive at this point (as I am with many other aspects of my life,) but once I decide, I'll post a picture. For now, I believe I'm calling it a day.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Post-Transfer Day #12, February 9, 2010

Dr. Saleh's phone call came at roughly 11:00 AM this morning while I was sitting at my desk at work. It wasn't the news we had so hopefully hoped for, but it was news I somewhat expected.

We are all disappointed. Hollow would be the best way to describe how I've felt up until this evening. I had work to keep me busy during the day, and my co-workers were so kind to me. They kept me laughing and positive all afternoon, and it's a blessing I didn't completely lose it and have to be wheeled out of the building after Dr. Saleh's phone call. But tonight, there are no shots to take or pills to remember, and no protocol to even type in my introduction of this post. And it seems official. Buried underneath all of the positive thoughts and optimism, there is a place I don't like to go or even admit exists: I am sad.

This is by no means the end of the road for us. We will try again. Dr. Saleh suggested I give my body a rest at least until May. And this is what we'll do. Keith and I have alot to talk and think about. We talked briefly about the day over dinner and what we should do next. We have a few options.....trying the very same protocol again, using donor eggs, or moving on to adoption. The answers will come with time over the next few months. The challenge is always trying to hear God's voice in our decision making.

I'm watching Little People on TLC. I love the show, but I usually forget to watch it because I forget what night it comes on. The couple is wanting to start a family but because of their dwarfism, they are considering surrogacy. In this episode, they are in Beverly Hills at a fertility clinic to see if Jen has any eggs to harvest. I am actually struggling to focus on writing my blog post tonight because I am so into this show. I relate so much with their struggle, and they are such a positive and inspirational couple despite their physical obstacles that they seem to have successfully overcome.

I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. I enjoy writing. It's a comfort to me, even though I'm not that good at it, but I'm sure my day-to-day life is surely to be a complete bore to most.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The sun will come up. And we will survive. God will not give me more than I can handle. And we have so many things to be thankful for. I have the best husband in the world. I have the best network of supportive family and friends. We are all healthy, have food on the table each day, jobs to pay our bills, a roof over our heads, and God loving us. What more could we possibly need?

A baby would be nice. :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010


Post-Transfer Day #10, February 7, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid Supplement
Prenatal vitamin
E2V Progesterone Suppository (1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg in the PM)

I'm trying to decide what colors to paint my nails tonight. Keith and I spent the day watching The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo, and her nails were black. I really like them! I have some black polish, but it's the hardest color to take off and the color never really turns out looking as good as what I think it will. It seems a bit much too.....choosing to apply black polish to my nails for a day like tomorrow. It seems only natural to choose a bright and vibrant color like Red Hot Tamali or Cheri Melon.

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm not very excited about tomorrow. I've been down and out most of the weekend. I've figured out why. I think I may have forgotten how to have a normal life. I have been completely amped up on shots and pills and optimism that now that it's all about to be over, I may not be able to just be a normal woman.

But, as a dear friend just reminded me, I AM pregnant until proven otherwise. There will be no more negative talk. No matter what happens, the sun will come out tomorrow. It will keep rising and setting. And we'll keep living and breathing.

I'm planning on going for the test around 9 AM tomorrow. Dr. Saleh will be calling me sometime afterwards with the results.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Hello, Blog World...how I've missed you.

Post-Transfer Day #9, February 6, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Prenatal Vitamin
Folic Acid
Progesterone injection (50 mg in the PM)
E2V Progesterone suppository (1 before bedtime)

I'm back! Thank God up above I have recovered! There were a few moments when I wondered if I was truly on my way out of this world and was wishing at some points I would just die. Dramatic, yes. But oh so dreadful. There are few things worse in this world than a vicious stomach virus, especially one that attacks mid-day while your sitting at your desk at work during month-end close. I will spare most of the ugly details. It hasn't been that often that I have text messaged Keith while he was working and told him "you have to come home now." Unfortunately, he couldn't. So, he did the best thing a husband could ever do....he called Mom. And she came runnin'. This was the first time I've ever been so sick that I was immobile, unable to form words properly, and was practically unconcious. Mom loves me. She has to, especially after what she endured Wednesday and Thursday. The scene into which she walked in on Wednesday was nothing short of a disgusting bathroom disaster gone haywire. We camped in the living room both nights. I really don't remember much, but I don't think we slept at all Wednesday night. In between 30 minute intervals of dry heaves, we may have dozed. I hope and pray she stays well. She sprayed lots of Lysol, cleaned alot, and wore her face mask while she was here. I love her.

Day after tomorrow is my bloodtest. I can't put into words how ready I am for this chapter of my life to be done. This has been the longest ordeal. I'm past sick and tired of this shot in my bum every night. I'm past sick and tired of having to REMEMBER to take this shot in my bum every night. I woke up an absolute pill this morning. Thank goodness Keith is still asleep. The dogs got to endure my viciousness. I've simmered down now.

I'm about to make a completely honest statement. I don't feel pregnant. There were a few days at first where I did with the twinges and fullness. Now, not so much. I'm so ready to know either way so we can move on to wherever it is we need to move. My patience only goes so far, and mine has long been spent. I think I'm already experiencing alittle bit of disappointment in preparation of not having to ruin a perfectly good week next week. Pessimistic? No, just realistic. My body is sick of this, and it's saying let's get on with it, please! Enough is enough!

I can tell by this post that I need to get out of the house today. I'm using exclamation points.

Loves to all.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Post-Transfer Day #5, February 2, 2010 (Halfway there!)
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
E2V (Progesterone) Suppository (1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg injection in the PM)

We are officially at the halfway mark! Only five more days until our first blood test to see if the last month and half of our lives was not a complete waste of time. Keith and I were talking the other day about what a good time we've had on our Dallas trips. We've definitely spent alot of quality time together. So I guess no matter what the results, it hasn't been a waste of time.

I'm all set to have my blood tests done at Donya Watson's office in El Dorado. I'm relieved we are not having to make another trip to Dallas for our tests. I've had a February 5 appointment scheduled with her for two months, but due to the date falling before my blood test, I called her office today and postponed it. I've heard alot of good things about Donya. I used to be a patient of Dr. Booker before I transferred my records to Little Rock. He was ok. I feel almost forced to find a local OBGYN. And my options are minimal. I would love to hear suggestions, so please e-mail me your opinions or comments.

I think Keith and I are going to make a trip to Wal-mart tonight. We will probably eat supper while we're out too. Keith goes back to work on nights tomorrow, so time to go to war. That's the way he acts.....like he's leaving home for a month when he . He must have snacks. He must have breakfast food and supper/lunch food. He must have drinks. He must have everything in "just so" order the night before all layed out on the countertop. He makes me laugh.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Our girls

Two of the funniest and sweetest best friends anyone could ever ask for....

Playing outside with Molly
Monday, Feb 1, 2010

Maggie and Molly
Looking at Nana's yard thru the fence
Monday, February 1, 2010

Molly and Maggie
Having a "stare down" outside
Monday, February 1, 2010

Molly and Maggie
Watching Amy make a funny face while Keith tries to take a good picture of them....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Busted!....but she's totally innocent. No, she doesn't rip stuffing out of all of the chew toys!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Waiting on a bite of something from our supper.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Molly and Maggie
Enjoying their favorite game.....CHASE!
Monday, February 1, 2010


Post-Transfer Day #4, February 1, 2010
Dexamethasone tablet (1 tablet in the AM)
Folic Acid Supplement
Prenatal Vitamin
E2V Progesterone Suppository ( 1 at bedtime)
Progesterone injection (50 mg injection)

"Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"

I got a whole heck of a lot of work done today! It was nice to have something to focus on and divert my attention. This is close week, so my days this week have the capability of getting out of hand. So far so good. My only problem today was my pants. I thought about my pants touching my stomach where I bend just about all day. I wished for a recliner. I spent the majority of the day with my feet propped up on my spare trash can and my pants unzipped. I'm either wearing a dress tomorrow or stretch pants. Stretch pants are my friend these days.

We'll be at the halfway day tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm going to work next Monday or not.