"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Post-Transfer Day #12, February 9, 2010

Dr. Saleh's phone call came at roughly 11:00 AM this morning while I was sitting at my desk at work. It wasn't the news we had so hopefully hoped for, but it was news I somewhat expected.

We are all disappointed. Hollow would be the best way to describe how I've felt up until this evening. I had work to keep me busy during the day, and my co-workers were so kind to me. They kept me laughing and positive all afternoon, and it's a blessing I didn't completely lose it and have to be wheeled out of the building after Dr. Saleh's phone call. But tonight, there are no shots to take or pills to remember, and no protocol to even type in my introduction of this post. And it seems official. Buried underneath all of the positive thoughts and optimism, there is a place I don't like to go or even admit exists: I am sad.

This is by no means the end of the road for us. We will try again. Dr. Saleh suggested I give my body a rest at least until May. And this is what we'll do. Keith and I have alot to talk and think about. We talked briefly about the day over dinner and what we should do next. We have a few options.....trying the very same protocol again, using donor eggs, or moving on to adoption. The answers will come with time over the next few months. The challenge is always trying to hear God's voice in our decision making.

I'm watching Little People on TLC. I love the show, but I usually forget to watch it because I forget what night it comes on. The couple is wanting to start a family but because of their dwarfism, they are considering surrogacy. In this episode, they are in Beverly Hills at a fertility clinic to see if Jen has any eggs to harvest. I am actually struggling to focus on writing my blog post tonight because I am so into this show. I relate so much with their struggle, and they are such a positive and inspirational couple despite their physical obstacles that they seem to have successfully overcome.

I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. I enjoy writing. It's a comfort to me, even though I'm not that good at it, but I'm sure my day-to-day life is surely to be a complete bore to most.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The sun will come up. And we will survive. God will not give me more than I can handle. And we have so many things to be thankful for. I have the best husband in the world. I have the best network of supportive family and friends. We are all healthy, have food on the table each day, jobs to pay our bills, a roof over our heads, and God loving us. What more could we possibly need?

A baby would be nice. :)


  1. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry the news wasn't what you were hoping for. how void those words can be. I'm sorry! Praying God will give you full clarity as to your next step!!

  2. Sending you a big hug. And trying to type through my tears because I know how this "hollowness" feels. Your whole focus for months has been this plan, this protocol and now, it is like--what am I supposed to do now? You probably feel sad, empty, a little relieved, a little numb, and confused.

    If you can, you two should try to take a little time to digest the close to this chapter before you make new decisions on what to do next. I say this because I didn't. I tried to jump headlong into the "what now" before I had really come to terms with the sadness of this disappointment. Thankfully my loving husband was there to reel me back in and show me that I needed an "emotional vacation" for a while. A little time to focus on me and us, without planning and schedules and shots and pills and uncertainty. Not just your body needs a break after all this rigamaroll.

    Hugs and love to you.

    P.S. I think you should keep up the blog. It might help you digest your feelings and work through some of the decisions you have facing your next steps on the road to parenthood. It WILL happen.