I am not alone.
Keith and I are in the midst of a storm.....but we know the clouds will soon part, and the best is yet to come.
There are so many of women like me out there. I realize this more after catching up on several blogs this weekend. I know I shouldn't minimize the pain of my infertility, failed IVF, and the deep desire to have a baby of my own. But after reading some of the blogs I've read this weekend, I realize that my sadness and struggle is nothing compared to what other brave and sweet women are going through.
I was briefly pregnant once in 2001....only pregnant long enough to know something was wrong. This is when my problems began. It was ectopic. I had surgery. I lost a fallopian tube. I never carried my baby. I never felt it kick. But, I was very much pregnant, and for a moment, I was very much a mother. That day in July nine years ago forever changed my future. I suffered a great loss that day and took on a whole new self-identity.....the infertile woman.
At the risk of sounding harsh, I must say.....if I was meant to lose my baby, I am thankful I lost it that way. The Lord saved me from much grief. I grieved greatly over losing the baby and part of myself. But, when I think of how hard it would've been if I had spent months preparing for a baby and then lose it.....I truly don't know if I am that strong. So many women suffer unimaginable pain. My mind can't comprehend giving birth to a baby that isn't alive. My mind can't comprehend waking up one morning after weeks of feeling a baby move inside, then suddenly not feeling anything. My mind can't comprehend why God in Heaven allows such things to happen to some women.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has ever suffered the loss of a baby or pregnancy. It is not an easy road we travel.