Motherhood and lack thereof

The weekend is finally here. Mother's Day weekend. I've talked to myself alot this week, working myself up for it. Normally, I focus all of my attention and energy on making my Mom feel special. And this year is no different. We're planning an outing tomorrow, even though it may turn into only a trip to Wal-mart. Tragically, neither one of us are really in the mood for any heavy duty shopping.



I decided this afternoon after waking up from a much needed nap that this weekend was going to be a good one, no matter what! I've decided to make this an "All About Amy" weekend. Whatever I want to do, whatever I want to buy, whatever I want to eat....that's what I'm doing. So far, tonight's been fabulous. Keith is working nights this weekend. After my nap, I went to town and bought the ingredients to make fetuccini alfredo, my most favorite thing in the world. I also picked up a nice bottle of white zinfandel on the way home and three chick flicks. Molly, Maggie, and I had a lovely evening filled with pasta, wine, and Joaquin Phoenix. Who knows what all tomorrow holds, but I'll definitely post the results.



So here's to all the fine luxuries of NOT being a mother. A quiet house. Uninterrupted meals. A good night's sleep. Watching what I want to on TV. Bathroom time all to myself. I won't begin to pretend that Sunday won't sting, because it will. Badly. But when God's ready for someone to call me Mommy, it will happen. Until then, I am going to go on living my life appreciating those small luxuries some women would do anything to have.



I haven't been the best blogger these days. My mind has sort of been going in a million different directions lately. Keith has started working on our house again. For those who don't know, we remodeled my grandparent's house about three years ago. We were pressed for time and had to move in before we completely finished it. Now three years later, some areas of our house remain unfinished. We've decided to work room by room until the house is completely and officially DONE. We need that fresh start.



To all my babylost friends, I send hugs and love to you this weekend.

Amy the Hermit

I avoid certain social situations like the plague. I've never been a social butterfly, but purposeful and intentional avoiding is something I do alot of lately. Baby showers are a given. I banned those from my life several years ago and can't even remember the last one I attended. This could explain why I can't remember the last baby shower I was invited to.

I was invited by my father to Easter lunch at my aunt's house a couple of weekends ago. I've never been close to my father's side of the family. My initial response to his invitation would have normally been a pacifying "I'll try." I guess he thought I may come because there were going to be, in his words, "plenty of new babies there to hold." Little did he know, there was no better way of making sure I didn't attend. Knowing that the women on that side of the family have been multiplying like rabbits lately, I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to go. Why should I put myself through unnecessary pain, disappointment, and frustration; all for the sake of putting on a fake smile and pretending to oooo and ahhhh over the new bundles of joy that once again do not belong to me? The old me would've gone anyway. The old me would've felt guilty, selfish, and self-centered for saying no. The old me would have done my very best to please. The old me would've went and smiled the whole time. But, the new me said "I'm just not able to deal with that right now." I know Dad feels sorry for me, but that's about as deep as it goes. He doesn't know what to say. And that's ok.

Random.....
The question I was asked multiple times this past week.......

"So.... do you have any children???"

What a terrible way to start a conversation with me, a great way to make my skin crawl, and a guaranteed way to make me want to disappear.

Life and such....

Easter has come and gone. The year is flying by on the wind. Wasn't it just Christmas? Along with the blooming buds of spring come the blooming bellies of pregnant women everywhere I turn. I am hyper-sensitive when it comes to spotting baby bumps.

I'm starting a new position at my company next week. I'm excited about the change because I've become bored with alot of my current job duties. And the change of scenery will be nice. I packed up three boxes of stuff today before leaving. It's crazy how much junk I acquire at my home away from home. I had enough instant oatmeal stashed away in a drawer to feed a crowd of twenty or so. I found so many different scents of lotion that I could use a different scent each day. I packed up one box of stuff to bring home to put in a garage sale. I'm thinking of having one around the first of May before it gets too hot.

A few of the other items I packed today: Christmas decorations, Halloween decorations, green tea, hazelnut coffee creamer, a book called "365 Inspirational Thoughts for Breaktime," three This Old House magazines, five vases, two fleece blankets, and two sweaters. This list could go on and on.

Now for some randomness......

-Why does Maggie like to lie down on the hardwood floors occasionally, but 3 year old Molly has never once done that?

-I love Facebook......I love all 238 of my Facebook friends. I feel like I get a small glimpse of what's going on in each of their lives. Why does it take something like Facebook to keep in touch?

-No matter how closely I follow her recipe, the food I prepare will never taste as good as it does when Mom cooks it.

-Keith and I talk alot about places we'd like to go on vacation. But, when it comes down to actually planning a trip, neither one of us like the thought of being far away from home.

-I don't watch alot of TV, but there are several shows that have captured my attention lately. Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Billy the Exterminator, and Undercover Boss are some of my favorites.

-MercyMe performed at our local municipal auditorium back in February. Actually, the concert was the week of my Beta after our January IVF. I had hoped the concert would be a celebration finale to our long two months, but instead it was a celebration of our endurance and ability to smile, even after our dream of a baby was not going to be a reality just yet. That night was the first time I've ever seen Keith touched to tears by a song. And I will never forget it.

Thanks and No Thanks

My, how time flies! It is hard to believe we are about to enter April. Last week held the first day of Spring, my favorite season. My white iris is blooming. The daffodils lived a short, but beautiful life this year as they lined both sides of my driveway. It's amazing how much I take for granted, even though I constantly try not to. As I write this, I'm in bed with a good cup of coffee, my Bible and devotional on my left side, my newest editions of Family Circle, Better Homes and Gardens, and STAR magazines to my right, and one of the two laptops I own in my lap. I'm planning to stay in this spot until forced to get up and face household chores of sweeping and mopping all of my floors today. For someone with no carpet, floors are quite the task. But what about people who have no floors? No coffee? No food? No books? No Bible? No bed? No home? Being from a small and sheltered community, I'm not fully able to wrap my mind around most of these circumstances, so I have to purposely make the effort to remind myself of how desolate the world truly is outside my window. There are days when I am guilty of not being thankful enough.
Speaking of giving thanks, one blog in particular my cousin recently suggested is one that helps remind me how thoughtless, careless, and thankless the human race can be when it comes to being wasteful. The blog is entitled Frugan Living, and shocked and amazed I was when I first began reading and realizing how much people throw away. The girl who writes the blog does the bulk of her shopping from local dumpsters. She goes out periodically and gathers everything from food to books to gadgets to shoes. She takes pictures of the meals she prepares too, which I am a fan of. It has opened my eyes and has made me more aware of the items I throw so frivolously into the garbage.

So, baby news. There is none. And the hole in my soul is still there. What else can I say? I know that one day I will be able to look back on where I am today and realize the path God had planned for me all along, but right now, I'm not able to be thankful for the hole. Until I'm a Mom, there is no other way to describe it. That hole is deep and dark and scary, and the tears I sometimes shed are because of that hole. The tears erupt hard, heavy, and quickly before I even have time to realize I'm crying, like a volcano. It's a cry that's new to me. The tears feel like they come from a deeper place. It feels different.

Even though I try not to, I love looking at babies. It's a bitter-sweet love, but it's a love. Keith and I were out to eat one night last week, and there were not only one set of twin girls in the restaurant, but TWO sets of twin girls. I told Keith it must be a twin reunion. Of course, there was the initial sting. But then came hope. And then came my fajitas. Ha.
I found this poem somewhere a year or so ago, and I read it often. It is another reminder on how thankful I should always be on a daily basis, never forgetting to be thankful, even for the small stuff.

Today upon a bus I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,

I envied her, she seemed so gay and I wished I were so fair;

When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg, and wore a crutch, and as she passed - a smile.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I have to legs. The world is mine.

And then I stopped to buy some sweets.

The lad who sold them had such charm,

I talked to him - he seemed so glad -

If I were late, 'twould do no harm.

And as I left he said to me, "I thank you. You have been so kind,

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said "I'm blind."

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two eyes. The world is mine.

Later, walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue,

He stood and watched the others play;

It seemed he knew not what to do.

I stopped a moment, then I said: "Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew - he could not hear.

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two ears. The world is mine.

With legs to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow -

With ears to hear what I would know.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I'm blessed indeed. The world is mine.

-Author Unknown

I Love Lemonade.

I love awards! I really love unexpected ones. My new blogging friend, Deni, awarded me the "Making Lemonade out of Lemons" Blog award. I so love that!

The rules for this award:

-Put the lemonade logo within your post or on your blog.

-Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and gratitude.

-Link the nominees within your post.

-Let the nominees know they've received the award by commenting on their blog.

-Share the love and link to the person from whom you received the award.

Since I am still new to the blog world, I'm going to hold off on my nominations. I have a handful of favorites that I keep up with on a daily basis, but I'm not familiar with 10 blogs yet. But, I'm definitely going to reserve my nominating rights for the future!

Now time to share the love! I hope you will visit Deni's website Making Our Troxclair Family. She has such a sweet and positive spirit, and it's contagious. She is a courageous and strong lady who is a true inspiration to me. Her posts always make me smile.

Speaking of making lemonade out of lemons, I try. We continue tossing our lemons around juicing them as fast as we can. However, our progress in Babyland is slow these days. One step at a time, I guess, but I'm frustrated. You'd think I must have a lemon tree in my backyard with all of these lemons. Just about the time I think we may be one step ahead and on our way to a resolution, I look around and realize we've taken two steps back and haven't made any progress whatsoever. I've got to stop trying so hard to make life happen. I get so wound up in working on getting to where I want to be that I forget where I am. I'm turning 34 years old in a few days. I don't want to wake up one day in the near future and realize I've forgotten how to live and enjoy my life. As Mom said to me today, she just wants me to enjoy the blooming flowers and trees of springtime, not be stirred up about something everyday. Amen to that. I love spring. It goes great with lemonade.

I've been home from work sick with flu-like symptoms for the past two days. I also have a terrible toothache. I've definitely watched my share of Housewives of Every County while I've been home. Those women have no idea. Enough said about them.

This past weekend was a different kind of weekend for us. We were informed by my stepson's mother that he's been having some problems at school. His grades are shabby. He was caught damaging school property, and to make matters worse, he lied about it. He's 12, and Keith swears it's just a boy thing. A puberty and hormonal type thing boys go through at that age.

All of this is new to me. I didn't have any brothers (or sisters) growing up. I certainly never got into any trouble. And the truth is, I have no experience with discipline. It would be helpful if kids sprouted a handbook of sorts once they reach that difficult age. Lucky for me, the responsibility of disciplining him solely falls on Keith. I'm just taking notes.

We've reached some decisions on our next baby steps, and as difficult as it is for me not to blurt everything out, I'm going to resist sharing too much information at this point. I will be sharing more details as our plans begin to materialize. Please keep us in your prayers!

The view from my shopping cart

Since Keith and I began trying to have a baby, it amazes me what some of my well-meaning friends say. Don't get me wrong....I love them all. And every word that's said to me I realize is said in love. I know infertility is something not often discussed in casual conversation, and when people are faced with the subject, most don't know what to say or are scared to death they will say the wrong thing. It has taken me some time, but I like to think I've developed an ability to hear their words not only with my ears, but also with my heart. People truly mean well.

Sometimes someone will say "Enjoy it, because when you have a baby, that will end." This is usually said during a conversation about me sleeping in on a Saturday, taking naps, going on a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip with Keith, my quiet morning coffee, etc. I can't help but wonder......will all of that really end? I am ready for my life to change, as I'm also told will happen once we have a baby. I would be willing to sacrifice all of my simple pleasures for my bundle of love, joy, affection, and wet diapers. And I'm sure all mothers who read this will say "yeah right" to my next statement, but I don't believe I will have to sacrifice much of anything except maybe a few nights of sleep. Life will continue. And the coffee will too. A baby will only make the simple pleasures of my life even more enjoyable.

I was thinking about all of this last night while I was grocery shopping in Wal-Mart. As I've mentioned before, Wal-Mart is a prime location to baby-watch. Last night was no exception. I couldn't help but notice how inconvenienced the majority of women with children seemed while shopping. Some of them probably speak in a more kind and gentle tone to strangers than their own children. I believe that if anything good at all possibly comes from my infertility, it will be that I will always think before opening my mouth to speak to my child. May the Lord always guide my tongue and emotions before I say something that will ever make him or her think they are not the most precious gift I've ever received. I know being a Mom has to be a stressful and tiring job. But it is a God-given position. A priceless gift. A gift some of us so desperately desire. A gift one should cherish each and everyday, no matter how much sleep you had the night before or how many dirty dishes are stacked in the sink. I wish some Moms would have this knowledge. This perspective. I wish they could see the view from where I stand.