"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, April 16, 2010

Amy the Hermit

I avoid certain social situations like the plague. I've never been a social butterfly, but purposeful and intentional avoiding is something I do alot of lately. Baby showers are a given. I banned those from my life several years ago and can't even remember the last one I attended. This could explain why I can't remember the last baby shower I was invited to.

I was invited by my father to Easter lunch at my aunt's house a couple of weekends ago. I've never been close to my father's side of the family. My initial response to his invitation would have normally been a pacifying "I'll try." I guess he thought I may come because there were going to be, in his words, "plenty of new babies there to hold." Little did he know, there was no better way of making sure I didn't attend. Knowing that the women on that side of the family have been multiplying like rabbits lately, I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to go. Why should I put myself through unnecessary pain, disappointment, and frustration; all for the sake of putting on a fake smile and pretending to oooo and ahhhh over the new bundles of joy that once again do not belong to me? The old me would've gone anyway. The old me would've felt guilty, selfish, and self-centered for saying no. The old me would have done my very best to please. The old me would've went and smiled the whole time. But, the new me said "I'm just not able to deal with that right now." I know Dad feels sorry for me, but that's about as deep as it goes. He doesn't know what to say. And that's ok.

The question I was asked multiple times this past week.......

"So.... do you have any children???"

What a terrible way to start a conversation with me, a great way to make my skin crawl, and a guaranteed way to make me want to disappear.


  1. Oh I am sorry that has been the question of the week for you. Talk about skin crawling. I know the feeling. But i've learn that when you have and answer ready that you like and are happy with, it's not so bad. Sometimes the replies you get may suck, but I've been told and am learning that it's sometimes b/c they don't know what to say. Which for me is like okay now they get to feel the uncomfortableness i felt when they asked me the question. I hope this weekend and the coming week is a whole lot better for you.

  2. Sweetest Amy,

    What a toll this process takes on us, as it slowly eats away the layers from the inside out. It's sad to feel as if this has compromised who we once were and its hard to look at ourselves as forever changed.

    What others, who I refer to on my blog as "the outsiders" don't understand is the GRIEVING process. We grieve for what we want so deeply and can not have and for what we lost. I read recently on another blog, Life According to Leah, in a guest post done by her husband, that "infertility is the second greatest cause of GRIEF". I second that, as it IS. The outsiders have never walked this journey, therefore they have no idea the depth of pain. They have no idea how it feels to work toward making peace with not having a biological child. Nor, do they know the heartache in parting with a life long dream...not to mention losing a child.

    When I am asked the infamous question "Do you have Children?" My response is simple, "it's on our WISH LIST" Works every time!

    I've been taking some time to evaluate myself over the past weeks. I realize this pain is consuming the "good" in my life and I want to let some of it go. Perhaps therapy will help, as its time for me to give that a try. I'll let you know how it goes :)

    However, if you don't remember anything else...remember this: FAITH shall prevail


    You WILL be a MOTHER...A WONDERFUL MOTHER to a precious child who NEEDS you.

    It's okay to with draw and its okay to feel as you do, as feeling is healing.

    Much Love and my ear is always open.


  3. PS You are already a mother....we both are :)

  4. Amy, I echo your feelings as well. And I am quite the social butterfly, so avoiding situations seems even more drastic for me. But as Andrea said and you know, the grief we feel is immense, it's deep, it's overwhelming, and it's so very painful. I just want to wear a sign around my neck that says, "I don't have any children, I've been trying for 3 years. I've had two die! Can't we talk about something else?!?!" It comes up constantly living in a new place and meeting new people, and I've gotten very comfortable saying, "We've been trying and I've had two miscarriages." Yes, it can be harsh and it can be uncomfortable, but I think it helps people to see just how uncomfortable the question makes me without being rude. I'm sorry that has been so overwhelming lately.

    I wish for you some freedom from that, some relief from the constant probing! Sending you love and prayers!!!


  5. People used to ask us all the time "Do you have any children?" and when I would answer very quietly, "No, not yet" they would frequently follow with, "Well you're not getting any younger..." I could not/cannot believe that people could be so rude, insensitive, so invasive. I wanted to scream at them--"Yes, we KNOW we aren't getting any younger. That is why we started trying as soon as we got married-- 6 years ago! That is why we have tried prayers, meditation, massage, acupuncture, herbal remedies, positive thinking, cursing, begging, medication, medical intervention, multiple procedures, surgeries and anything else we can in order to "get started" so get out of my face and my reproductive business, you insensitive jerk!

    I like Andrea's comment about "the outsiders" because that is exactly how you feel. Like we are all part of some terrible club and those who have not experienced this couldn't understand. It does help (as sick as that seems or sounds) to know that others feel your pain though.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, Amy.


  6. I was thinking about you and wanted to send you some hugs!! That's all, just hugs!