Thanks and No Thanks

My, how time flies! It is hard to believe we are about to enter April. Last week held the first day of Spring, my favorite season. My white iris is blooming. The daffodils lived a short, but beautiful life this year as they lined both sides of my driveway. It's amazing how much I take for granted, even though I constantly try not to. As I write this, I'm in bed with a good cup of coffee, my Bible and devotional on my left side, my newest editions of Family Circle, Better Homes and Gardens, and STAR magazines to my right, and one of the two laptops I own in my lap. I'm planning to stay in this spot until forced to get up and face household chores of sweeping and mopping all of my floors today. For someone with no carpet, floors are quite the task. But what about people who have no floors? No coffee? No food? No books? No Bible? No bed? No home? Being from a small and sheltered community, I'm not fully able to wrap my mind around most of these circumstances, so I have to purposely make the effort to remind myself of how desolate the world truly is outside my window. There are days when I am guilty of not being thankful enough.
Speaking of giving thanks, one blog in particular my cousin recently suggested is one that helps remind me how thoughtless, careless, and thankless the human race can be when it comes to being wasteful. The blog is entitled Frugan Living, and shocked and amazed I was when I first began reading and realizing how much people throw away. The girl who writes the blog does the bulk of her shopping from local dumpsters. She goes out periodically and gathers everything from food to books to gadgets to shoes. She takes pictures of the meals she prepares too, which I am a fan of. It has opened my eyes and has made me more aware of the items I throw so frivolously into the garbage.

So, baby news. There is none. And the hole in my soul is still there. What else can I say? I know that one day I will be able to look back on where I am today and realize the path God had planned for me all along, but right now, I'm not able to be thankful for the hole. Until I'm a Mom, there is no other way to describe it. That hole is deep and dark and scary, and the tears I sometimes shed are because of that hole. The tears erupt hard, heavy, and quickly before I even have time to realize I'm crying, like a volcano. It's a cry that's new to me. The tears feel like they come from a deeper place. It feels different.

Even though I try not to, I love looking at babies. It's a bitter-sweet love, but it's a love. Keith and I were out to eat one night last week, and there were not only one set of twin girls in the restaurant, but TWO sets of twin girls. I told Keith it must be a twin reunion. Of course, there was the initial sting. But then came hope. And then came my fajitas. Ha.
I found this poem somewhere a year or so ago, and I read it often. It is another reminder on how thankful I should always be on a daily basis, never forgetting to be thankful, even for the small stuff.

Today upon a bus I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,

I envied her, she seemed so gay and I wished I were so fair;

When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg, and wore a crutch, and as she passed - a smile.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I have to legs. The world is mine.

And then I stopped to buy some sweets.

The lad who sold them had such charm,

I talked to him - he seemed so glad -

If I were late, 'twould do no harm.

And as I left he said to me, "I thank you. You have been so kind,

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said "I'm blind."

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two eyes. The world is mine.

Later, walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue,

He stood and watched the others play;

It seemed he knew not what to do.

I stopped a moment, then I said: "Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew - he could not hear.

O God forgive me when I whine.

I have two ears. The world is mine.

With legs to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow -

With ears to hear what I would know.

O God, forgive me when I whine.

I'm blessed indeed. The world is mine.

-Author Unknown