I Don't Know.

I sit here watching Housewives of New Jersey reruns, as the marathon continues on Bravo. I get lost in their insanity and their superficial lives. I enjoy checking out their clothes and jewelry and seeing where their "princess on a pillow" lives are taking them next. What these women find important amazes me. They seem to live in a bubble, completely shielded from what is real; real problems, real issues....real hurt.

Two of my sweet blog friends endured real and heartbreaking loss this past week. It's not fair. Being a member of this club requires strong faith and endurance. Membership also requires hope and belief that our rainbow is right beyond the next mountain.

Where is our bubble when we need one?

A Piece of Peace: My Routine Saturday Post

I'm starting to notice a pattern here. I post only on Saturdays. Saturdays are my tiny pieces of peace in my busy weeks. I like to catch up on my favorite TV shows and favorite blogs. Laundry is not all the peaceful, but it's a necessity.



I'm sore and tired today from working at my Company's Employee Club's Ladies Shrimp Boil last night. This is my first year on the board and my first event as organizer. I now can see just how much planning and sweat goes into an Employee Club event...something you can't possibly know or understand by just being an attendee. Overall, it was fun. And the ladies seemed to have a great time eating, drinking, visiting, and playing Bunko. I thought the size of the building was going to be an issue because the response this year was overwhelming. Thankfully, the building ended up working, and we had enough room. With so many people, however, the air conditioner couldn't keep up, and the temperature was a warm 79 or 80 degrees most of the evening. There were a few complaints about the heat, but once Bunko commenced and door prizes started being handed out, no one seemed to mind. I know now what areas were successful and what areas need to be focused on more next year. It's unfortunate that some seem to not have a functioning self-edit button. While some were kind and appreciative with their comments, even staying to help clean up; some were not only unappreciative but were equally negative and rude. Being a people-pleaser makes me want to work even harder next year so that there are no rude comments and that not one person will have even one thing to complain about. But in reality, I realize that when organizing a function for 100+ people, not to mention that these 100+ people are women, having zero complaints will be almost positively impossible. I will never be able to please everyone, but this chicky will get it her best shot.



I'm about to finish up Week 2 of Nutrition Boot Camp in Cracking the Fat-Loss Code. I'm pleased with the plan so far, and I'm looking forward to Week 3. I've lost 9 pounds since starting the plan. I have noticed an increase in my energy level. And I feel really good!!! My only complaint of the plan so far is the variety. I found myself getting bored with the food choices this past week, but I think part of that is my fault. I failed to have enough food on hand, and I know I need to do some research for next week's menu items. It's all about planning ahead. Today was the first day since beginning the plan that fruit is on my menu. I enjoyed my strawberries, grapes, and cottage cheese breakfast. Today is my first Carb Up day, so Keith is taking me out to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I am looking forward to having a few chips and dip.



I had an exciting appointment this week, and I think a door may have cracked opened. I wish I could say more, but at this point, I can't! Just say a prayer for us that the door opens even wider.



Happy Saturday.

Cracking the Code

I bought a book a couple of weeks ago entitled "Crack the Fat-Loss Code" by Wendi Chant, MPT, SPN, and certified personal trainer and body builder. Basically, she lays out an eight week plan designed to reprogram your body so that it learns to burn fat and keep it off. I'm someone who has gained and lost many pounds, so this book intrigued me. If I set my mind to a plan and a goal, I can normally lose. But I always reach a point where the scale stops going down. There are certain foods I'm not willing to live the rest of my life without. And if a particular program restricts such foods, I inevitably reach for them again and thus gain the weight back. It's a vicious cycle. I first heard about the "Wendi" program while attending Weight Watchers a few years ago on a weight loss message board. It is a good way to boost your weight loss when you hit a plateau.

I'm two days away from completing Cycle 1 - Carb Depleting Week. Although I wondered at times if I would be able to make it, it hasn't been unbearable. I have a massive sweet tooth, and I love breads and pasta. The first two days were the worst. I craved sweets, especially in the evening. But each day became easier. And when I stepped on the scales yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to see six pounds gone. I've noticed my energy level is higher than normal (even though I'm still in bed on Saturday morning at 10 drinking coffee and blogging.) The biggest challenge for me this week has been breakfast. I don't like eggs. I tried eating scrambled egg whites on Days One and Two, but I couldn't make myself take more than two or three bites. I stopped trying on Day Three and instead drank a Protein Shake for breakfast the rest of the week.

Monday begins Cycle 2 - Macro-Patterning, which is a 3-week cycle. During the first week, carbs are slowly re-introduced and at only certain times of the day. I'm worried. I'm a junkie when it comes to carbs and sweets. Will the moderation only lead to me wanting more and more? We shall see.

I'm posting a link to the book and a review of the plan.

www.dietsinreview.com/diets/Crack_the_Fat_Loss_Code/

I can't believe it's June! Where does the time go? Wasn't it just winter? Here we are again in the midst of another hot and humid South Arkansas summer.

Keith and I made a short trip to Dallas this weekend to do some shopping for my step-son's room. It was nice to go without an agenda of poking, nurses, exams, bloodwork, etc. looming. Just to go and enjoy was nice. The trip was a success, and we came home with alot.

My step-son just turned 13 in April and since then, he's been having some issues with school. Kids are nothing like they were when my husband and I were growing up. He's not making very wise choices right now, and we are all having trouble understanding why. He knows what is right and wrong. It looks like he may be coming to live with us. The role of step-mom is a daunting one at times. I know from growing up with a step-mother how important it is to know my place in his life. The line there is a sensitive one. Do too much, and you're invading Mom territory. Do too little, and you're uninvolved and labeled as uncaring and unwelcoming. I love J alot. While I'm excited about the thought of him living here, I'm scared. Of what, it's hard to put in to words. And too many things wrapped up all into one. Keith and I agree this change is something he desperately needs right now.

Funny how we chose his room to work on first and complete. Funny how it's almost finished....and just in time. Funny how we arrived at the decision to finish the house before trying for a baby again. Looking back over the year, it is amazing to see God's plan unfold in our lives. The Plan is always unfolding, even when we're not aware. His calendar is not aligned with mine. It makes me think... why bother to keep one?

Baby news......we've been researching all of our options, and we're excited about alot of what we've found. I've been exchanging e-mails with our fertility clinic in Dallas, and we're keeping all options open. Right now, our main focus is on our house and getting that part of our lives behind us. Oh, how trying it can be! Everyday life doesn't stop so I can go prep walls to paint. Laundry still piles up. We still have to eat. And we still want a baby.

Despite how trying a house remodel can be, I do feel like I am at a neat place right now. I'm unbelievably content. And content is nice. There is an excitement...an expectancy of some sort....like something truly unexpected and wonderful is around the corner. I've been enjoying our life together more than ever. K and I have been laughing alot, enjoying our home, and just being together. I've also made a decision to stop resenting pregnancy announcements. Somebody pops up pregnant what seems like everyday. Pregnancy is a miracle for any woman, whether or not they realize that or not. This has been a big deal for me in the past. And it has been a heavy weight to my spirit. I decided to lay that burden down.

My thoughts and prayers are with several of my dear blog friends today.....those going thru another round of IVF, those making preparations to bring their new baby home through adoption, and then those who are still waiting like me. Much love and hugs to all of you.

Motherhood and lack thereof

The weekend is finally here. Mother's Day weekend. I've talked to myself alot this week, working myself up for it. Normally, I focus all of my attention and energy on making my Mom feel special. And this year is no different. We're planning an outing tomorrow, even though it may turn into only a trip to Wal-mart. Tragically, neither one of us are really in the mood for any heavy duty shopping.



I decided this afternoon after waking up from a much needed nap that this weekend was going to be a good one, no matter what! I've decided to make this an "All About Amy" weekend. Whatever I want to do, whatever I want to buy, whatever I want to eat....that's what I'm doing. So far, tonight's been fabulous. Keith is working nights this weekend. After my nap, I went to town and bought the ingredients to make fetuccini alfredo, my most favorite thing in the world. I also picked up a nice bottle of white zinfandel on the way home and three chick flicks. Molly, Maggie, and I had a lovely evening filled with pasta, wine, and Joaquin Phoenix. Who knows what all tomorrow holds, but I'll definitely post the results.



So here's to all the fine luxuries of NOT being a mother. A quiet house. Uninterrupted meals. A good night's sleep. Watching what I want to on TV. Bathroom time all to myself. I won't begin to pretend that Sunday won't sting, because it will. Badly. But when God's ready for someone to call me Mommy, it will happen. Until then, I am going to go on living my life appreciating those small luxuries some women would do anything to have.



I haven't been the best blogger these days. My mind has sort of been going in a million different directions lately. Keith has started working on our house again. For those who don't know, we remodeled my grandparent's house about three years ago. We were pressed for time and had to move in before we completely finished it. Now three years later, some areas of our house remain unfinished. We've decided to work room by room until the house is completely and officially DONE. We need that fresh start.



To all my babylost friends, I send hugs and love to you this weekend.

Amy the Hermit

I avoid certain social situations like the plague. I've never been a social butterfly, but purposeful and intentional avoiding is something I do alot of lately. Baby showers are a given. I banned those from my life several years ago and can't even remember the last one I attended. This could explain why I can't remember the last baby shower I was invited to.

I was invited by my father to Easter lunch at my aunt's house a couple of weekends ago. I've never been close to my father's side of the family. My initial response to his invitation would have normally been a pacifying "I'll try." I guess he thought I may come because there were going to be, in his words, "plenty of new babies there to hold." Little did he know, there was no better way of making sure I didn't attend. Knowing that the women on that side of the family have been multiplying like rabbits lately, I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to go. Why should I put myself through unnecessary pain, disappointment, and frustration; all for the sake of putting on a fake smile and pretending to oooo and ahhhh over the new bundles of joy that once again do not belong to me? The old me would've gone anyway. The old me would've felt guilty, selfish, and self-centered for saying no. The old me would have done my very best to please. The old me would've went and smiled the whole time. But, the new me said "I'm just not able to deal with that right now." I know Dad feels sorry for me, but that's about as deep as it goes. He doesn't know what to say. And that's ok.

Random.....
The question I was asked multiple times this past week.......

"So.... do you have any children???"

What a terrible way to start a conversation with me, a great way to make my skin crawl, and a guaranteed way to make me want to disappear.

Life and such....

Easter has come and gone. The year is flying by on the wind. Wasn't it just Christmas? Along with the blooming buds of spring come the blooming bellies of pregnant women everywhere I turn. I am hyper-sensitive when it comes to spotting baby bumps.

I'm starting a new position at my company next week. I'm excited about the change because I've become bored with alot of my current job duties. And the change of scenery will be nice. I packed up three boxes of stuff today before leaving. It's crazy how much junk I acquire at my home away from home. I had enough instant oatmeal stashed away in a drawer to feed a crowd of twenty or so. I found so many different scents of lotion that I could use a different scent each day. I packed up one box of stuff to bring home to put in a garage sale. I'm thinking of having one around the first of May before it gets too hot.

A few of the other items I packed today: Christmas decorations, Halloween decorations, green tea, hazelnut coffee creamer, a book called "365 Inspirational Thoughts for Breaktime," three This Old House magazines, five vases, two fleece blankets, and two sweaters. This list could go on and on.

Now for some randomness......

-Why does Maggie like to lie down on the hardwood floors occasionally, but 3 year old Molly has never once done that?

-I love Facebook......I love all 238 of my Facebook friends. I feel like I get a small glimpse of what's going on in each of their lives. Why does it take something like Facebook to keep in touch?

-No matter how closely I follow her recipe, the food I prepare will never taste as good as it does when Mom cooks it.

-Keith and I talk alot about places we'd like to go on vacation. But, when it comes down to actually planning a trip, neither one of us like the thought of being far away from home.

-I don't watch alot of TV, but there are several shows that have captured my attention lately. Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Billy the Exterminator, and Undercover Boss are some of my favorites.

-MercyMe performed at our local municipal auditorium back in February. Actually, the concert was the week of my Beta after our January IVF. I had hoped the concert would be a celebration finale to our long two months, but instead it was a celebration of our endurance and ability to smile, even after our dream of a baby was not going to be a reality just yet. That night was the first time I've ever seen Keith touched to tears by a song. And I will never forget it.