Connor will be 17 months old tomorrow...

Wow, I never blog.  In case I still have any followers, here are a few current pictures of our sweet little man, Connor.

He's running everywhere, never gets tired of playing, and is just a barrel of fun, curls, and cuteness! 

He was walking at 10 months old.  He has 10 teeth!   He mainly enjoys JUNK FOOD.  Cheetos, goldfish, club crackers.  He will eat baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, French fries, fish, cheese, Cheerios with milk, toast, tacos, tuna salad, oranges, and rice.  He also likes all kinds of soups. 

He loves playing with his shape sorter, his blocks, his big yellow school bus, and my Tupperware.  He loves being outside more than anything in the world.  He loves swinging in the front porch swing, playing in his sandbox, and riding in his wagon.  He likes to wear hats and caps when we go places.  He always notices motorcycles and tractors! 

He has a large vocabulary.  His most common words are:

Car = "cah"
Truck = "truh"
Mama = "ma" or "mama"
Dad = "dah"
Molly (our dachshund) = "mah"
Fish = "shish"
Bottle = "ba"
Chips = "ships"
Shoes = "shhhsh"
Papaw = "pop"
Spoon = "oon"
Foot = "tut"
Book = "buh-k"
Hot = "haaaah"

He also gives kisses and blows kisses!  Words can't express how grateful I am each day for him.  He keeps us all on our toes 24/7.  As my Mom says, he's keeping us young!  He has never been a heavy sleeper and still isn't.  He still wakes up at least once a night, mainly just for a snuggle.  He does, however, sleep in his baby bed in his own room.   

He weighs 24 lbs.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

What we've been up to....

The terrible blogger is just checking in with some recent pictures of my favorite little man.  Where does the time go!?  He will be 10 months old in 6 days. 

I left my full time career as an accountant in July and now only work 2-3 days per work for a small apprenticeship program.  My hours are flexible, and my priority of motherhood is encouraged, admired, and understood by my employers.  It's a big financial sacrifice, but it's amazing what you can truly live without.  I'm still detoxing from the "I see it, want it, buy it" syndrome, but the trade-off is immeasurable. 

Connor is such a joy.  He is sleeping better (with us.  Yes, we caved.)  He loves to eat and doesn't turn any foods away.  He especially loves fruit, including apples and bananas.  He's exploring and crawling everywhere and has started standing on his own.  No steps yet!  He has four teeth....two bottom and two top.  He never meets a stranger.  He loves being outside.  He babbles a lot and he says "mamamamamama."  His laughter and smile are intoxicating.  He keeps us very busy, very entertained, and very happy.  I love being his Mama, and I thank God for this beautiful blue-eyed miracle everyday.

He is changing.

It is hard for me to believe Connor will be three months old tomorrow.  Time needs to slow down just a touch!  I went back to work last Monday.  Boo!!!  But, I couldn't be more blessed with my Mom keeping him each day.  They are both enjoying their time together during the day.  But, oh, how I miss him.

Connor, you are my dreams come true.  You are more precious to me than the air I breathe. 

You are growing  fast!  I love watching each day unfold with something new you discover in your world.  Just yesterday, you discovered you can touch your cheek and eye with your hand.  You enjoy your bottle about every three hours.  It took us a bit to get your formula right, but we got lucky after two tries.  En famil seemed to give you acid reflux, so we switched to Sim ilac.  And you've had no problems on it.  Sometimes we would give you a dose of gripe water to help you relax if you seemed to have alittle reflux, and it worked wonders!  Sometimes figuring out was is wrong is a challenge for your Mommy.  Thank you for always being patient with me.

You weighed 12.5 pounds at your last check-up.  You had your two month shots and were a trooper!  You didn't cry much or run fever afterwards.  Last night was the second night in a row that you've slept through the night from 10 - 5.  We had some pretty long nights together during your first two and a half months.  I think you were afraid of missing something.  Sleep was actually quite rare around here.  Mommy tried to nap when you did, but you didn't nap a whole lot.  Some mornings, you were as exhausted as Mommy, but we still enjoyed our day together!  And those slumber party all-nighters we shared together were really okay.  They meant more time with you.  Your Granna would help me some mornings.  She would come pick you up early so Mommy could get just a couple of hours of sleep.  That really helped a lot.  We love her so much!  I was home with you for the first 12 weeks of your sweet life.  Those weeks were the best weeks of my life. 

Beginning when you were about two months old, we started adding a small amount of rice cereal to your night-time bottle.  Your doctor recommended we try it to see if you would sleep longer at night.  We didn't notice much of a difference, but you really enjoy your nightly bottle of cereal, so we have continued it each night. 

You really get a kick out of your mobiles, both at home and at Granna's.  You also are attracted to any type of emblem or pattern on clothes.  You favorite thing in the world is to be held and rocked.  You've never cared much for a pacifier, but there are times when you want to relax and enjoy it.  When you get upset, a pacifier is the last thing you want.  You do not enjoy your car seat.  I think it's because you get tired of it and don't understand why no one will pick you up out of it.  It breaks my heart for you to get so upset.  There is no consoling you when you get angry in the car. Your head gets wet with sweat, and your clothes get damp with one of your fits.  I can tell your feelings are hurt when I am finally able to get you out of it.  I hope you grow to enjoy your car seat soon, as it will be a part of your life for awhile.

Your hair is strawberry blond (more red in some light,) and you have blue eyes.  You move your hands a lot and have since the day you were born.  The bright light outside hurts your eyes, but I've noticed you are getting used to it.  You are starting to enjoy being outside.  You are noticing things and trying to reach for things that interest you.  You like your changing table and do alot of smiling there!

You're holding your head up on your own now, so we will be trying you on food soon! 

Love you to the moon and back!
Mommy

Connor Morgan

Even though it seems I've completely abandoned my blog, I wanted to drop by to introduce someone!

Connor was born via c-section February 9 at 36 weeks. He weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 3/4 inches long. He is perfect in every way.

This journey was worth every mile. I'm completely in love with him.

17 Weeks

Hello, dear bloggie friends!

I don't know where the time goes. It's been so long since I posted. All is well with us. I am 17 weeks along and starting to feel normal again. The morning sickness has finally subsided (I think.) I still get ill if I eat too much, and there are times when I get sick at my stomach for no reason at all. But, it's so nice to not be sick day in and out.

So far, I'm pleased with both of my doctors. I'm seeing both of them every four weeks. Both are concerned with my blood pressure, so I'm taking my BP meds twice a day now instead of only once. My 17 week appointment was this past Thursday, and my BP was perfect. Hopefully, it will stay that way! Because our little one's legs were bent upward and its feet were crossed, we still don't know if our baby is a boy or girl. Bummer. But, what a sweet face we saw.

We ordered our baby furniture a couple of weeks ago from B.abies R Us. Surprisingly, I chose the set quickly! It's in, so we'll be going to pick it up next weekend. I plan to post pictures soon!

No weird cravings. No appetite at all really. And when I eat, I can't eat much. I am enjoying real Coca-Cola (and I'm trying to limit myself to only one per day) and salty things, especially chips. My gag reflex is on at all times, especially when I cough, sneeze, take my inhaler, or brush my teeth. Garlic smells are unpleasant, and the smell of the Cascade dishwasher soap I use is revolting. It doesn't even smell like soap anymore! That isn't so bad....just means K has to be in charge of the dishes. I've noticed acid reflux is worse if I let myself go too long without eating, so I try to eat small meals.

This pregnancy is going by so fast. I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

Water is the answer!

I've been getting so much advice since becoming pregnant. Some of it has been welcomed....some of it has been uninvited. I work in a large office building, and word travels fast. And, I am one of about ten women there who is expecting a little one. I find it amazing at what some people say! And with each comment and with each day of hormonal surging, I'm finding it difficult to control my response. I've also noticed how women's eyes automatically travel to my mid-section now.

If you are experiencing nausea, I may have the cure that will work for you. Here is a brief list of suggestions I've been given.

Crackers

Sprite

Sierra Mist

Peppermint

Ginger Candy

some kind of lollipop

lemon drops

Jolly Ranchers

Cheerios

Ginger Ale

Fruit Loops

Top FOUR Comments I'm not quite sure how to respond to:

"Are you excited?!?" (((Excited, yes! But, I'm also nervous and scared and anxious. And nauseated. Maybe one day soon, "excited" will be the very first emotion that comes to mind when it comes to my pregnancy. I will be VERY EXCITED when my baby arrives safe and sound.)))

"Glad it's you and not me!" ((( this coming from someone who has no idea who she is talking to and apparently hasn't used her nosey-ness enough to find out from someone else that I actually went through IVF and got pregnant ON PURPOSE. I thought about sharing, but she was too busy talking about how her three year old poops in her pants while watching TV instead of leaving the room and going to the potty. Sorry, no pity here. And no, unlike you who can't wait to be rid of your daughter for a weekend, it will be a long time before I'm ready for some "me time." I've had enough "me time" for awhile. Thanks.)))

"There is SOMETHING in the water!" ((( seriously??? I wish I would've known! Maybe that was my problem all along.....maybe I wasn't drinking enough of the stuff. )))

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST....

"You just wait." (((Hmmmm....OK. I'm used to waiting. And how about YOU WAIT....while I punch you in the......never mind.)))

9 Weeks

We had a checkup Thursday, and I was exactly 9 weeks. We were able to get some great pictures of our sweet little fortune cookie!

We found out that because I am 35, I'll be followed by a high risk doctor in addition to my regular OB-GYN.

Heartbeat: 177

Measuring 9 weeks, 1 day

How am I feeling: Tired! I give out easily, and my house shows it. Yesterday afternoon marked my second terrible headache since becoming pregnant. These headaches wipe me out, and there is no relief from them except sleeping it off. The acid-reflux comes and goes. Nausea presents itself daily, but I think it might be tapering off. I want to be hungry!!!

Food cravings/aversions: Really loving Cherry Lime Icees and baked potatoes. When it comes to most food, in general, nothing sounds good. I have to make myself eat.

Sleep: I'm sleeping well! And alot!

Weight gain: None yet! But my waistline tells a different story. I've welcomed maternity pants into my world, and I love wearing them to work since I have to sit most of the day.

Eww! Blehhk! I don't feel so good....

Happy weekend!

Last week was a super week. We made our last long trek to Dallas to SIRM. We graduated! Dr. S. was as excited as we were. He gave us a letter and a copy of our chart for us to give my OB-GYN. I've decided to stick with Dr. R in Shreveport as my OB-GYN. I really like her! She is just so caring, and I trust her. Even though I have my doubts about having an OB-GYN that is two hours away when it comes to delivering, I'm sure we can make it work.

Nausea has reared its ugly head in my world this week! The first few mornings, it came on just as I first got up in the mornings. By the time I was driving to work, the nausea had turned to hunger. Yesterday was different. The nausea stayed and stayed and stayed. All day. There were moments during the day I was nauseated AND hungry! How that happens, I don't know. I ate small meals throughout the day, and it seemed once I would eat, I'd feel alittle better. Today, I haven't been nauseated at all. The acid reflux isn't nearly as bad as it has been. I get tired and winded easily, so I take lots of breaks and alot of naps. I want to start walking, but it's so hot outside! I really need to get some exercise.

All of my pants are tight, but I know it's too early to start wearing maternity pants. I've got a few things picked out online, but I haven't ordered yet. I'm having a hard time finding cute maternity things.

6 Weeks!

Hello friends!

Thursday was a big day for me! Not only was it my six week mark, but I had my first ultrasound. We were able to see our precious little jelly bean! One perfect baby! We were even able to hear the heartbeat. Mom and K were both there, and we shed lots of happy tears. I couldn't take my eyes off of the ultrasound screen. It was by far the best day of my life, and I am so grateful to the Lord for bringing me here. I never thought this would happen to me, and I'm doing my best to savor each and every moment. It's hard sometimes, and fear so easily slips in. I know that our struggle has tainted me to a point. That fact makes me angry. I know the next coming months that are normally joyous and exciting for most pregnant women will be largely consumed with fret and worry for me. I'm being pro-active against this fret and worry though, and I'm determined to not allow it to take over and rob me. As an act of faith, I made my pregnancy public on Facebook this week. It was a blessing to have so many encouraging comments! Just knowing that we've had so many people praying for us and this miracle makes my heart full.

This week will be another milestone week. We're going to Dallas this Wednesday for our second ultrasound to make sure our sweet jelly bean is growing, growing, growing! I can't wait to hear that heartbeat again. And it will be nice to see everyone at the clinic. I miss them!

The Ride is Slowing Down...and I'm Jumping Off!

Beta #1: 61

Beta #2: 292

Positive.

Could it be my time to get off of this horrible ride ?

This ride made me a stronger woman. I'll never stop praying for something that I think about every single day. When there is something I want, I will never stop fighting for it....no matter how hopeless it may seem.

Five Days After

Today makes the fifth day since transfer. I'm feeling great! I'm staying positive and optimistic this time. I'm not feeling different really. I am having some twinges, tugs, and fullness here and there. It's hard not to be overly sensitive about every little feeling!

Immediately after Dr. S. transferred our two embryos, I felt some mild crampy twinges. They continued through the rest of Tuesday night and Wednesday off and on. Then, the tugs started. Hopefully, it was the embryos snuggling in!!! Oh, I hope so. The crampy twinges are still happening. I felt bloated most of yesterday, then last night, the heaviness/fullness/pressure started in my lower pelvis. That heaviness continued all night and has continued all day today. And I love it.

I almost took a home pregnancy test this morning because I thought it would be so amazing to give a positive test to K for Fathers Day. But, I talked myself out of it. I think it's way too early anyway, and a negative outcome would be discouraging to me at this point, even though I'm ready for whatever comes my way on Friday. K keeps asking me "how his little babies are doing," and today, Mom washed every bit of my dirty laundry! What a treat!!! Our washer went out a week today, so needless to say, I had a BIG PILE. She is the laundry queen! My new washer/dryer set will be here Friday afternoon. J is excited too and is looking forward to the big test on Friday.

This is going to be a long week.

Things People Say

I consider myself pretty tough. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, especially when it comes to comments about being pregnant, getting pregnant, infertility, etc. I don't know if these injections are interferring with my tolerance level or what, which is one reason I've been more private this time with our treatment. I believe whole-heartedly that people mean well the majority of the time. And also, there is a big part of me that wants to be transparent about everything and share my joy with others. However, there is also a place in my spirit, especially lately, that has just had enough of people's opinions and useless lines regarding pregnancy.

Today, I was having a conversation with a friend about our upcoming transfer. It just so happens this friend and her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. How lovely! Do people really do that? PLAN when to have sex so they will conceive? What's that like? I don't think my husband and I even relate sex and having a baby anymore. Have sex to have a baby? Who does that?

Anyway, the subject of the hot summer came up, and she made the statement that if it didn't happen immediately in July or August, they would just have to stop trying until her pregnancy wouldn't fall within the hottest summer months. How convenient. No worries about aging eggs or worrying about using all of your vacation time or making up work hours or the busy times of the month because there will be countless trips out of town for blood draws, ultrasounds, etc. They will just stop trying until it's more convenient. All of a sudden, I found myself sitting there with my throbbing and knotted Progesterone hip saying "well, I just pray it all works out exactly the way you want it....and I pray you never have to go thru HELL and back to get pregnant because this is no cake walk, especially these shots."

Then she said THIS.

"Well, you have to go through a certain amount of that when you actually have the baby anyway, ya know? Those epiderals are no fun."

What could I even say to that? Seriously?!

Transfer scheduled

We are looking forward to our transfer! It will be Tuesday @ 1:30.

Tuesday's appointment went great. My lining was at a 13, which is excellent, and my E2 level was at 720. Dr S. was happy with those numbers.

I also got to meet up with one of my sweet bloggie friends, Deni from Foxy Troxies. We had the best time talking about IVF, our fur babies, and little Miss Cala Faye, who I can't wait to meet. Deni is a ray of sunshine, and I feel like we've been friends forever. Meeting her was the highlight of my day.

We'll be staying in Dallas after the transfer so I can relax and let those two little embies snuggle in!

I can't wait to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.)

Right now, I'm taking 100 mls of Progesterone every night, a steroid pill in the morning, an antibiotic morning and night, and a prenatal vitamin.

And just as a random thought, if I hear one more pregnant person on my Facebook complain about the heat, I might just smack them with a sandwich....after I invite them over to share in the luxury of a Progesterone shot in the rear.

Over and out!

What's New With Us

Hi bloggie friends!

It's hard to believe summer 2011 is here already! The south Arkansas heat is here, and I'm already extra thankful for my air conditioning!

J is so glad to be finished with 8th grade, and he isn't hesitating rubbing in the fact that he doesn't have to get up early for three months. He's had a good first year at his new school, and we're happy. It's so hard to believe the sweet, short 8-year old I met almost six years ago now is as tall as his Dad. Freshman year and driver's permit are just around the corner.

K started online classes last month. He's pursuing a bachelor's degree in Electronic Engineering Technology. The entire program is online. So far, he loves it. I admire him for his dedication, as I'm not sure I could focus. But, he's doing great and has all A's. Smarty pants. In addition to his new college endeavor, he's still working long, odd hours at work. I miss him.

We are in the process of trying IVF again with our Dallas clinic. I'm on my third week of Lupron injections, which are giving me headaches daily that hurt just enough to be annoying. There is a story behind our cycle this time....a very special one. We were donated seven frozen embryos by an anonymous couple at our clinic. Our embryo transfer will be June 13 - 16. This is a true miracle for us. Because of my poor egg quality issue, our chance of success using my eggs not good. Neither of our insurances touched egg donor, which is the plan our RE suggested. I began looking into embryo donation (and even posted a blog post about it,) and K and I just felt like this could be exactly for us. We had no idea how to go about finding embryos, whether to go through an agency, or what; so on a whim, I decided to talk to my RE. To make a long story short, ,my RE's office called with the news about finding us a donor only three days after we inquired. The news came along at the perfect time, and we both knew God was leading us to do this. We thank God for this amazing opportunity! We are so excited!

Our house is finally finished!!! I plan on posting pictures soon! It's been nice to clear out construction clutter and wipe sheet rock dust off of furniture for the LAST TIME. Today, I cleaned out the room that will be our baby's room.

An Absentee Blogger!

Hi blog friends!

Just wanted to check in and say "I'm here!" We're staying so busy these days, and I'm guilty of being a terrible blogger. I have been reading blogs and commenting when time allows me. I've even picked up a few more favorites, and I've added some of those links to my home page.

I've actually started a new blog, and I'm going to share it soon, but not just yet. We have something very exciting going on, and I'm so eager to share. I will be sharing soon, so stay tuned!

Loves to all.

Embryo Donation

Hello blog pals! It's hard to believe we are well into January and the new year. As always, we're busy. I went to the doctor last week thinking my blood pressure was high. I started having a dull tightness in my chest last weekend that totally zapped my energy. It comes and goes. Having been on blood pressure medication for about three years now, that tightness is usually a sign my blood pressure is high. After my doctor's appointment and a thorough workover by the doctor, he's sending me to a cardiologist for a stress test. My appointment is Monday at 9:15. I'm sure it's only stress, and the doctor agrees. He feels it will go away on its own, and he prescribed me a week of breakfast in bed. (ha.) He also sent me for additional bloodwork and wants to see me again in two weeks.

Our house is coming along nicely. We are officially back in our bedroom! It's beautiful really...but I'm not finished decorating in there yet, so I'm not QUITE ready to post pictures yet. But, I'm extremely happy with the way it has turned out. The dining room (hopefully baby's room one day) is in progress now. We bumped our IVF up to May. I'm still trying to get excited about it. I hear so many wonderful adoption stories, and it makes me wonder if we're just wasting our time trying IVF again. There is a part of me that wants to let go of the idea that IVF could actually work for us. But there is another part of me that knows all it takes is one good egg, our insurance covers it, so why not try.

I'm still reading up on embryo donation and found a neat website called Miracles in Waiting. They sell ads to embryo recipient hopefuls for couples with extra embryos to see. They basically cut out the adoption process and fees all together, leaving the two couples to make their own arrangements and agreement. I e-mailed the site administrator to see if I would get an actual response from someone and immediately received a response from her with a link showing some of their latest profiles. Much of their site is for "members only," so I haven't been able to tell much about the content. I've also talked to my RE about my clinic's policy on accepting embryos from another clinic. He said as long as the donor couple has undergone the same round of testing for infectious diseases that my clinic requires, they would have no problem at all accepting the embryos for my transfer. If I could just find a couple looking to donate!!! Right now, that's where I'm at. My clinic says they rarely have couples wanting to donate their extra embryos, but that they have a waiting list for couples like us. But, that's as far as I ever get. It's so hard to believe that there aren't couples out there paying astronomical storage fees for their extra embryos to remain frozen in time that don't desire to help out another couple who are going through the same grieving process as they once went through, as well as giving their sweet embies they worked so hard for to have a chance at life.

In closing this post, I want to share a sentence from a paper on Respect that J wrote last week in his English class. His teacher was thoughtful enough to e-mail it to me.

"I respect my parents -- all three of them. I have really lucked out. I have the most kind and loving step-mom."

My life is so tiring sometimes, but that makes it all worth it.

New Year, New Me.

As 2010 is quickly coming to an end in a couple of hours, I am snuggled up to my sweet fur babies in this big King size bed (which is, yes, still in the living room due to construction,) and I am oh, so thankful for the blessings, lessons, and changes this year has brought my way.



A Failed IVF Cycle

Yes...I'm thankful for it, even though the end result wasn't my much-desired bundle of love and joy. Going through IVF with K brought our relationship to a new place. We were scared together, excited together, tired together....and ultimately, we were sad and disappointed together. But, we were together. I found myself relying more on God than ever before. I began spending quality time reading His word, memorized some scriptures that I could utter when those helpless times came like a thief, and found myself actually enjoying and looking forward to my daily study time with Him. I drew strength and peace from Him daily. He is what got me through it.....the shots, the hormones, the ups and downs. My eyes were opened more than ever before to the fact that I, alone, have no control over my own life. It's His plan....not mine. Me being the planner and thinker that I am makes this especially hard at times, but I'm getting better at it day by day. Anyone who has gone through IVF will understand the feeling of complete helplessness. There is no such thing as controlling the outcome. Every single step of the process is excruciating to the mind , body, and spirit, and hope can sometimes seem as of it is merely hanging by a thread. My reliance on God was a necessity. I had to surrender. If there is one thing I have realized this year, it is this:

I can't....but He can.

I still have to conciously surrender at times....especially when I'm wanting to take the reins. But I'm learning.



Our home

A work in progress. But soon, and thanks be to God, I won't be able to call it a work in progress anymore. We're finishing our house. Pictures will come soon. I'm keeping up with the before and durings periodically. We are happy with our contractor, and we give thanks to God for the huge blessing of sending him our way to finish our home! Nanny and Papaw would be so very proud, I believe, of what we've managed to do here. It's been a long three years, but 2011 will be a year K and I will actually get to spend to doing the fun projects....landscaping, building a deck, yard work. We're even looking forward to raking leaves!



Our health

K's procedure in October was the end of a pretty scary ride he's been on for over 10 years. Thankfully, we have a terrific family doctor who was able to diagnose and correct the problem with a simple outpatient procedure on his esphagus. K is slowly working through his fear of choking every time he eats, but he has come so far in only a few short months.



My 13 year old, J

Yes, he's mine. I gladly claim him. This past week without him has been unbearably quiet and uneventful for both his Dad and myself, and I couldn't wait tonight to get a hug from him as soon as he stepped out of his Mother's car. I'm so glad he's home. And I'm so glad he's here now....permanently. At first I was overwhelmed with all of the changes having J here brought to my world. At times this past summer, I was a sobbing (and selfish, as I see looking back) uncontrollable basket case behind closed doors. For about a week after we found out for sure that this was all really happening, I cried practically non-stop. The thoughts of how my life would change, how life as I knew it would never be the same again, how I would be raising another woman's child....the thoughts overtook me. Would I be enough of a mother to him? Would I be happy? Would my relationship with my husband change? And the horrible thought of "I can't do this." And then the guilt of even having the thoughts. J needed us. I honestly didn't know how I was going to do it. We had all prayed for this to happen. So many people were depending on me. I couldn't see any hope. I felt at times like I had no choice....helpless and confused. I didn't want to let anyone down. That place was dark. Reluctantly and feeling as if I had no other choice, I broke down and told K I couldn't do it....that I wanted to go back to the way it was....."please, I've changed my mind.....I can't do this," I said. K was kind. He listened. He somehow understood and never once doubted me. I know now that God himself must've changed my heart. That is the only way to explain how my heart turned around. I've been on automatic....I don't even have to think about how to be a Mom to J. It just happens. And I love it. It comes so naturally. Even though he's a teenager now and the hormones are flowing like crazy, and at times K and I think aliens have taken over his brain, he is such a great person. And this year, he is the reason I can say "I am a Mom."



New friends....

I began blogging late last year, and little did I realize that I would come across two of the sweetest and kindest girls ever to walk to Earth. Andrea and Deni.....two of the strongest and faith-FULL women I know. Even though I've never met either of them in person, I know their support is there, and like me, they truly understand what that sting feels like of wanting so badly what so many other women take for granted. And thankfully, they are soon to be Mommy's...and my heart smiles each time I think of it. How blessed and loved their sweet babies will be.



And as for 2011......

We're trying IVF again. Even though we are again faced with less than mediocre odds of success, we choose to believe with faithful hearts that if the Lord wants it to work, IT WILL WORK, despite all odds. I refuse to give fear a chance here. It's easy to fall into that dreadful place when I'm faced with an "egg quantity and quality" problem that is untreatable. There is no pill, no hormone, no injections that make it better or go away completely, no medical solution. K's medical insurance is wonderful, and fortunately we have a large amount left in our lifetime maximum for about two or three more cycles of IVF. I'm not sure how many more times we are willing to put ourselves through the process, but we're going to take things one day at a time, praying the Lord will guide our steps as He sees fit. Because honestly, we don't know. We're going to step out in faith, relying solely on Him to direct our path.....open doors when they should open and close the ones that need closed. I plan on keeping the blog going, however I probably won't be as public with this IVF cycle than I was with the last. It was great knowing how many friends and family members were lifting us up in prayer and supporting our efforts, but it was also an added stress to feel as if I let everyone down in the end. Not that I had any control over the negative outcome, but just knowing there were so many others who shared in my disappointment. It was just too much. I will document every step of my journey when the time comes and share it at the appropriate times. Thankfully, we are not limited to IVF. We are also researching domestic adoption and embryo adoption, both of which we are completely open to. We're willing to go through whatever door opens to us.

It's been a good year.

Goodnight.....and welcome to my life, 2011. It's gonna be fun.

Annoying

December is definitely here and in full force! I'm trying to make sense of my calendar because almost every single little block is booked with something. With all of our going and doing, it's hard to not get wrapped up in the hooplah and forget the most important reason we celebrate this month. I love December. I love everything about it.....the excitement, the chaos, the songs, the cheer, the food, the parties, the shopping, and of course, Santa.

With the second nine weeks of school rapidly coming to an end soon, we are hoping and praying for grades that won't nauseate us. We're not seeing the good grades we saw the first nine weeks of school from J. He's so easily distracted. Keeping him interested and focused is just impossible at times. Thanks to some advice from a friend and the wonderful internet, K and I decided to take J for some cognitive testing that will test for all sorts of learning weaknesses and hopefully will give us some insight on how to help J. J's forgetfulness and lack of focus makes it seem he's being lazy or doesn't really care. And at first, we weren't sure. But over time, it's become very clear to his father and I that something is wrong. We're hopeful whatever it is can be corrected easily without him having to take medication. His test is this coming Saturday at 10:00 AM. He is to arrive rested and fresh, so that's why we decided to take him on a Saturday morning. The test will take approximately two hours and test on about twenty or so different learning areas.

It is apparent after last week that J has officially got to me. He asked me earlier in the week if we could give his "girl friend" a ride to church youth group Wednesday night. I didn't have a problem with it and simply asked him to have her mother message me saying it was okay. K and I routinely check J's phone and monitor his incoming and outgoing text messages. How I wish I hadn't seen the message he sent that read "my annoying step-mom wants your mom to send a stupid message to her saying it's okay if we come pick you up! Aaaahhhhhh....that's so stupid! She's so annoying!" I was devastated. My heart was crushed. I immediately tried to shake it off. He's a teenager. So, why did it hurt so bad? The tears began to flow. There I was.....standing at the kitchen pantry frantically trying to focus on the cereal, the pasta, the rice....oh yum, how about some cocoa....anything to stop the tears. When I cry, my face and eyes get red and swollen, and there is no hiding it. K felt so sorry for me. I begged him to forget about it and move on, but he didn't. He told J we read the message and that it devastated me. It was the first time J has ever seen me cry. He apologized, of course, and admitted he was frustrated with me at the time. Of course, I forgave him. It still hurts to think about it. I guess it's never occurred to me that I could be annoying to him. And in most text messages he sends to his friends, he calls me "his mom." One of my friends made me feel better after I told her my story. She said her son's ringtone for when she calls him is a barking dog. Yikes. I guess being called annoying isn't so bad. I must be doing something right.

The Beehive

I was feeling as if I was on the verge of being blue today. K is working an astronomical amount of hours lately, and J isn't here to keep me entertained with his quirky sense of humor. So, I went shopping at my favorite store, the Beehive. I racked up! I'm including a picture of my loot, which includes a fantabulous pair of boots, a monogrammed bag, a zebra print scarf/gloves set, three necklaces, a lovely turquoise and black scarf, and three pair of flip-flops. Yes, it is cold outside, but flip-flops are year-round shoes at my house. And how could I resist them at $3 each?

Distractions

Hello wonderful bloggie world! TGIF!

I was planning to return to work today, but I woke up this morning with an intrusive stomach virus. At first I thought it may be the antibiotics I've been taking for the bronchitis. I realized after about four hours of misery this didn't seem to be the case. I started feeling better around noon.

K called our Dallas doctor and cancelled our phone consultation this morning. I was beyond worthless and doubt I could have carried on a conversation that would've made any sense. I will reschedule next week.

J is gone for the weekend to visit his Mom. He's had a rough week of school. His grades are not so great this nine weeks, and all three of us are concerned. His first nine weeks were textbook. A's, B's, and one C. We were overjoyed. Because of his accomplishment, we rewarded him with a cell phone. I think it's created a distraction that he's not capable of handling yet. It also doesn't help that there are moments I realize he is carrying on conversations over text with three girls at once. Definite distractions. And thank Heavens for unlimited texting. We've taken the phone away several times because of a bad grade on a test, forgetting a homework assignment, etc. But, my question is...how does taking away the distraction teach him to deal with distractions? J is easily distracted. As he told me one day in the car, he can get distracted in class by a crack in the wall. If there is a real problem causing him to become distracted so easily, we want to help him. But it's so hard to know whether or not it's a legitimate problem or just 13 year old normal. I keep waiting for my "How-To" manual to arrive in the mail. Nothing yet.

K is on nights this weekend. My dear Mom is out of town until Monday. J isn't here. And I am lonely.